We're in Day 2 of the 2008 Donors Choose Bloggers competition - and one of the projects on my donation page has already been fully funded! Proof positive that the people who read this blog are the smartest and most attractive people on the planet.
And your ass looks GREAT in those pants, by the way.
Since education is the theme of the day, I thought I'd review a book that Spawn and I read together recently. It's called "Tell Me Again About The Night I Was Born."
And despite the fact that it reeks of celebrity vanity (it's written by Jamie Lee Curtis) it's actually a charming and lovely book to read aloud with your kids.
If, that is, said kids are adopted.
If they're not, and you're like me and don't bother to read the blurb to find out what the book is about, trust me, the grilling that ensues will make you long for the relative pleasure of a full body cavity search conducted by your friendly neighborhood TSA screener.
Scene: The three of us in my room at bedtime, snuggled in my bed, The Boy (5) and The Girl (7) on either side of me. I get to Page 3: "Tell me again how the phone rang in the middle of the night and they told you I was born."
Me: (gears slowly starting to grind in my head) That's not where I was expecting this story to go. Hey, Spawn, how about we read Goodnight Moon again?
The Girl: No, I like this book. Let's keep reading.
Page 8-ish. "Tell me again how you got on an airplane with my baby bag and and flew to get me and there was no movie, only peanuts."
The Boy: My friend Andrew says that peanuts could make him and lots of other people die until they're dead. Why does the airplane want to kill those people?
TG: I thought babies lived in their mommy's tummy before they were born. You said WE lived in your tummy. Were you lying?
Me: (sweating slightly) You and your brother DID live in my tummy. But some children go to live with a different family after their mommy has them. It's called "adoption."
TB: Why would anybody would give their kid away? Was she bad?
TG: How much does it cost to buy a real baby? Can I save my allowance and get one of those instead of a guinea pig?
Me: Um. You can't buy babies. But sometimes mommies or daddies aren't able to care of their children, and they want to give them to a nice family who will.
TG: Then why would they make a baby in the first place?
Me:
Me: (second try) Sometimes people make mistakes.
TG: Were WE mistakes? Is that why you told [neighbor] Mrs. X the other night that you were "fishing" because [The Boy] was born only two years after me?
Me: What? No - OF COURSE you weren't mistakes. And I said "efficient," not "fishing." What I meant was, we wanted to have you born three years apart but we were more efficient than I thought, because your brother was conceived right away.
TB: What does CON-SEEVED mean?
TG: You don't want Mommy to tell you about that.
Me: (loudly) Who wants a pony?
The Boy: Are you going to sell me to another family so that you have enough money to buy one?
Please, don't let future generations of mothers grow up to be as stupid as I am. Support public education projects with as little as $5, and help me win the 2008 Donors Choose Bloggers challenge. Click here to visit my Donor Page and fund real projects in real schools.
50 comments:
Now you are making me wonder how much the kids really do understand of the books that I read them. They ask almost no questions.
Not sure if I should be thankful for that or not. But then most stories are about Dora or dinosaurs - not very controversial.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. : )
Though you unwittingly bit off more than you could chew, at least Boston Market cooked it.
At I knew the stuff in the American Girl book about having periods was applicable to my girl.
We watched an episode of Arthur where Binky's family adopts a baby girl from China. I guess we've already talked about adoption a little. But that book would have totally taken me by surprise!
Hahahaha, note to self if I ever have children :-)
LOL. I already knew about this book since our son is adopted. When you adopt, they prep you for questions like those. Sorry that you didn't get the primer ;)
P.S. get the guinea pig...
Thanks for the heads up... had I not known our conversation would have been pretty much like yours. LOL.
HA!
And also, Yay, The Boy for being food allergy aware!
I would have opted for the stork story at the point of page 8ish.
“Well, yeah honey, right after your daddy and I visited Santa, we went to Cabo San Lucas by plane and they didn’t have an in flight movie. When we got there we had a lot of Cabo Margaritas and well one thing led to another and the next thing we know, we hear you in my belly. Sooo, we got back on the plane and went to Florida to visit the Stork. We said, “Hey Mr. Stork, you need to get with the Tooth Fairy and with Santa and make sure this little one is on everyone’s list for gifts and presents and when you’re done, fly her back here and make sure not to drop her off at another family’s house so we don’t have to buy her back.
It’s that easy. I got it right away.
We have one of those JLC books too...I thinks its called the Great Human Race. The problem with this one is that it has little pictures of little kids from all different walks of life in the back. Each one has a name. Hundreds of them. So instead of the adoption confusion, I get "and what's this ones name?" "and what's this ones name?" "and what's this one's name?" about 200 times before we can turn off the light. I think Jamie Lee is messing with us.
Incidentally, how much IS a real baby goin' for these days?
WHO WANTS A PONY???
My god, that is GENIUS. Right there, just pure genius...
I gave my monthly charity to your donors choose site! But now the widget is keeping me from reading the first part of your post (reading this on Mozilla / PC.)
And is there anything odder than celebrity books that are actually good?
I have to admit, that is the first time, in a long, long time, that I've actually laughed out loud SEVERAL times over a blog post.
That was fucking brilliant.
Oh NO!! That is one book we will not be picking up and thanks for the warning!!
I love the comment about the airlines wanting us to die. (maybe that's why the seats are so uncomfortable??)
I. just. peed. my. pants.
Gah, you're funny!
You made me snort...Can't tell you how many times I've offered my son a pony to avoid an awkward topic...
It would've been easier with a copy of The Anarchists Handbook. But then you'd end up on the No-fly list.
OMG...that is the funniest thing I have read in weeks. Granted, I just lived through a hurricane and I work at AIG, but still...that's f*ckin' funny!
P.S. I will no longer complain about reading 10 Tiny Fairies for the umpteenth time.
Yes based on your experience I will be sure to read all blurbs before purchase. I too am participating in the Bloggers Challenge - great job!
That is the greatest conversation. I adore that book, but we'd already had the adoption talk (friends adopted a baby a few years ago) when I'd bought it.
What does conceived mean? LOL.
I remember sweating bullets before I got to the end of The Real Tooth Fairy. It's definitely a good idea to read the blurb.
I LOVE Jamie Lee Curtis books!
But, um, yeah - a good one to skip over. Goof. LOL
Your kids are awesome.
You want a couple more? That would be a different book, though. "Tell Me Again Why These Two Other Kids Just Showed Up Outta The Blue."
Hah! We have this book too, but since my little guy was born via surrogacy, it kind of works for us (minus the phone call and plane trip). After we'd read this a couple of times, he wanted to know if we could go to the grocery store in the morning and buy a baby...I was sweating it too. I'm using the pony idea next time.
Im crying right now... HYSTERICAL!!!!
I hope to have kids as funny as yours some day...
That definitely is a good lesson to all of us to read the blurbs. they were really on to somethign when they said "Don't judge a book by its title" or was it cover?
I love you. You are too awesome. I would have pretended to fall into a coma or something...
This post just made my day. I laughed so hard at this.
You are soooo hysterical! I can hardly wait for your birds&bees talk with either spawn. Kids are great comedy material. And a good reason for that second glass of merlot/vodka/tequila (no wait, that's me).
Oh, boy . . . so much to look forward to.
The pony line . . . can I use that?
OMG, this made me laugh so hard I think I peed a little ...
You're right. An education is a terrible thing to waste. Maybe I should send you my latte money directly.
I love Jamie Lee Curtis books.
I will steer clear of this one because I can't keep up with my kids' current questions.
So funny.
That had me laughing out loud. For reals. I read my boys a book the other day called "When you were Inside Mommy", i had to add the word tummy at the end because, well, it just didn't sound right to me.
bwa ha ha ha. SO funny. Thanks for the chuckle.
Hi and thanks for the comment. Glad to hear my kids look like someone because they certainly don't look like us. I've popped over here a couple of times but never commented. This time I couldn't resist. I love this book. My cousin is adpoted and I would read it to her all the time when she was little. It also helped my kids understand adoption and what it meant when we said Kendall was adopted. And, because I am a big sap, I cry everytime I read it.
However, your experience with the book is priceless! I actually woke my husband who was sleeping in the other room.
Okay, that was freakin hilarious. Especially about fishing/more efficient.
And seriously, what airline still gives out peanuts, hello...?
But as weird as it might be, I would SO welcome a book and all the questions associated with it than read snow white one more freakin time this week.
This looks like a great book to get friends who just adopted. But they maybe already have it?
Your kids obviously have GREAT curiosity and love your reading time.
That was hysterical. I am tucking "Who wants a pony" into my memory banks for future use. I will remember to read the blurbs from here on out.
Ha. I had that same reaction to the bit about the peanuts. But then, my boy is one of those who's highly allergic to them.
Ok, here is my scene. I am sitting next to an open window. There are tons of worker/construction guys outside the window working on some building. I am laughing my butt off as I read your post, laughing harder and harder as the story unfolds. Construction guys look up at window. I am in my nightgown, hair morning messy, and hoping they can't actually see me.
Thanks for the fun, it was a great story, at least on this end!!
I'm so glad you posted this! I loved the way this book looked and kept thinking I should pick it up (my kids are close to the ages of yours). Uh......I really don't want to read a book at the end of a LONG day that takes more time to then explain than it does to read!
Consider that your PSA for the week!
I absolutely love your conversations with the spawn. Thanks for making me smile.
Thank you Thank you Thank you for taking my mind (briefly) off of the state of the Union and the Election and how I can never watch the news again because OH MY GOD IT MAY JUST KILL ME!
HAHAHAHA!!! I work in a bookstore but I don't actually *read* everything we carry. At least now I'll know what *not* to recommend for the baby shower present.
"Who wants a pony?" Brilliant!!
That is priceless. I think you need to let JLC know about this post.
Pony..hee hee
Holy moly! Don't you love to hear what's rattling around in our kid's heads? Hilarious.
Thanks for stopping by my blog! I'll come back and visit you again.
Your kids are like attorney's in training! Funny stuff, MM.
Ha ha:D
I have never heard of a successful actress suddenly saying, "Hey, I think I'll write kids' books!" Usually, it's like, "Hey, I'll let you pay me lots of money to write my biography!"
Michelle...or, "hey, I think it's time for a martini and some botox!"
Yeah- I think everybody else said everything witty that I could think of but wanted to drop some comment love anyway because you make me laugh. I got this book as a shower present- probably from someone like you who doesn't read the blurbs but I really like the centerfold in this book - really hot babies.
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