Exploiting The Rich: Let The Music Play

Spring has finally gotten all sprungly.

I know this to be true because Manager Dad has officially flipped the Cool Weather/Warm Weather switch on his wardrobe, moving from the daily uniform of khaki pants and button-down dress shirts to khaki pants and short-sleeved polo shirts. It’s a whole new wardrobe management ballgame.

Aside from being a symbolic milestone, the switch has the practical effect of shifting five units per week from our local dry cleaner to our home-based Laundry Mountain. This adds up to approximately four extra loads over the course of the summer. While I don’t enjoy the additional labor, this does save about $50 a month on dry cleaning, leaving me all the more to indulge in my fondness for smokes, booze, and cheap hookers.

So while we were talking about saving money, I wanted to share another way I’ve found to entertain your family by taking advantage of the sweat labor of rich folk. (My first post, about the charms of Old Greenwich, can be enjoyed if you have a few extra moments in the bathroom by clicking here.)

The magical land of which I speak today is New Canaan, Connecticut (estimated median home value=$2,000,000). A town which is clearly not afraid to embrace the letter "a," New Canaan has a lively downtown business district filled with stores selling things we can’t afford to buy and restaurants we don’t want to remortgage our homes to eat in.

It’s also one of those metaphor towns that instantly evokes a social stereotype. You know what I mean: Detroit = "Disenfranchised Autoworkers." San Francisco = "Pot-smoking hippies." Long Island = "Joey Buttafuoco". For New Canaan, it’s “Self-Loathing Yuppies,” thanks to the only two major movies inspired by and filmed in the area: The Ice Storm and the Stepford Wives remake, starring Nicole “My Pants Are On Fire When I Claim Not To Have Had Cosmetic Procedures” Kidman. Because I’ve seen her in person, and I promise you, that woman has a Botox technician on speed dial.

But back to my point, which is that aside from an abundance of overindulged, plastic, self-pitying suburbanites (note to friends: not YOU, of course, Brooke, Lawrence, Mel, and Tom – I know you guys are still keepin’ it real), New Canaan also has Waveny Park. Waveny is a beautiful, spacious public area with a lovely old mansion. In the summer (starting on June 11th), they hold free concerts on Wednesday nights on the back porch of the house.

While they are technically for residents only, it is easy for unethical non-resident area freeloaders such as myself to horn in on the fun.

The acts are all has-beens (or more accurately, never-wases) and the music itself ranges from forgettable to puzzling. This year’s kickoff band, “The Bob Button Orchestra” bills itself as playing Big Band classics. I can’t confirm or deny this, but my main take-aways from last year’s show were this:

1) the average age of the band members is approximately 72

next) they like to dress like pirates, complete with puffy shirts and red satin sashes
and

c) despite their advanced age (or perhaps because of it) they like to swill Captain Morgans straight from the bottle between songs (possibly explaining the pirate getups).

It’s become a much-anticipated Wednesday summer family tradition for us. We get the kids, pick up a pizza, and relax with friends while enjoying the fresh air and the “music”. After dinner, the kids run around in the field, doing their best to contract Lyme disease by breaking the Guiness Book’s “Most Ticks Acquired Within a 1-Hour Span” world record.

The evening concludes with a visit to Waveny Mansion’s public toilets, (spotless, mind you, featuring abundant toilet paper, soap, AND hand lotion), where I pick off as many of the ticks that I can, bag them up to send to the state testing lab at $25 a pop, and stuff them into their pajamas so we can execute a swift bedtime once we get home.

The one downside of these concerts, aside from the fear of having our car towed, is an uncomfortably surreal feeling caused by looking around at your fellow concertgoers. They all look like they stepped directly out of a Tommy Hilfinger print ad. And the hordes of roving kids evokes a sort of reverse Children of the Corn, except instead of being filthy and creepily homicidal, they're all preternaturally well-mannered with blonde bowl haircuts and slight French accents, picked up from various summer au pairs.

But if you can suspend your class discomfort, come join us on any given Wednesday. We’ll be easy to spot: amidst a sea of natural-wood camp tables, fashionable umbrellas, carefully packed wicker picnic baskets, and Lilly Pulitzer cricket sweaters, you’ll find a tiny oasis anchored by an ancient, stained Mexican blanket, surrounded with a loud plastic cooler and cheap camp chairs with huge corporate logos (free from various work giveaways).

We’ll save you a slice of pizza, and I’ll even ask Bob to pour you a shot of Captain Morgan’s.

You can access the 2008 Waveny Park concert schedule by clicking here.

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Easy, Cheap, & Fun - That’s How We Roll In the OG

I just sent away for our Stamford beach parking sticker, which is a huge psychological milestone – summer is on its way. Although I’m sure we’ll have at least one freak April snowstorm, and if history is any guide, it'll most likely the be weekend that I’m trying to have my kids’ birthday party in the back yard.

Now, don’t get me wrong- the Cove is a great park – the kids love riding the tram to the beach and checking out the turtles at Soundwaters. But unfortunately, like many things in Stamford, it doesn’t quite pass the white glove test. It’s just a hair seedy, whether it’s the condition of the facilities or some of the clientele it attracts.

Sometimes, I like to go to a place where you can feel pretty confident that you WON'T see a drunken, unemployed vagrant passed out on the sand with an angry sunburn and an empty bottle of gin clutched in a nicotine-stained hand. A place where a family of four can pretend to be stinking rich for a day, without actually having to spend a lot of money. A place where the outhouses are stocked with toilet paper and are infused with the sweet scent of Febreze.

That place, my friends, is Old Greenwich.

Just a mere 10 minutes from downtown Stamford, take Route 1 to Sound Beach Avenue and keep driving past Binney Park until you hit town. Turn right on West End Avenue and park behind the CVS.

Start by letting your kids run off their carsickness on the playground or athletic fields behind Old Greenwich School on Sound Beach Road. If the child happens to sustain a playground-related injury, bring them over to Greenwich Pediatrics, just across the parking lot. Tell Dr. Korval that Manager Mom says hi and we’ll no doubt have an infection of some new exotic parasite for him to diagnose soon.

Stroll by the fire department, and check out the super shiny fire trucks. Occasionally, the nice fireman will treat you to a “jaws of life” demonstration, tearing up an abandoned car. This is officially about the coolest thing a 4-year-old boy can witness in person outside of a monster truck rally.

By then, if you’re getting hungry, grab a cheap slice and a hot toasted Panini wrap sandwich at Sound Beach Pizza (formerly Arcuri’s). Or, carbo-load at the Upper Crust bagel company. Either way, finish off your meal with a stop at Darlene’s Heavenly Desires for an overwhelming array of candy and ice cream treats. This store is bursting with evilly enticing diet busters; you’ll gain 5 pounds just walking in the door.

Work off the sugar high by continuing your stroll along Sound Beach until you get to Binney Park. This is a beautiful, peaceful park which - beware – is dotted with tiny landmines of black, glooby goose poop. Shade yourselves in the pergola and watch dog owners and bridal parties wander by. This is especially entertaining once the bridal parties first become aware of the goose poop issue.

End the afternoon browsing books and playing computer games at the Perrot Memorial library and pick up some used kid’s books for a buck a book as a souvenir of the day. On weekends, they'll sometimes have story readings and performances from children's authors and musicians.

Old Greenwich is also one of the best places to watch Fourth of July fireworks. Parking can be a challenge, but it’s totally free and you can get there as early as you’d like and picnic (pre-order from Lexzee’s or Garden Catering in town.) The park is beautiful and the fireworks go on forever. Be forewarned: your children will covet the huge helium balloons. Don’t give in. The balloon vendors charge, I kid you not, TWENTY dollars for the damn things. Manager Family has been going every year since the kids were born, and highly recommends. Look for us - we'll be the only family who kids are sobbing because we won't get them a balloon.

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