I've been having some funky health stuff going on lately, and my doctor says that I need to eliminate things that are causing unnecessary stress in my life.
After examining all of my commitments, I have decided that although I love Spawn as if they were my own children*, I need to stop having family dinners with them. Immediately.
Scene from a typical evening at our house:
Spawn (Upon entering): Whatsfordinner? Whatsfordinner? Whatsfordinner? CanIplayvideogames? Whatsfordinner? - Repeated for the next 20 minutes until doorbell rings, the sound of which triggers a Pavlovian response; they stumble, zombie-like, into the dining room.
Me: Sets out a freshly prepared [just delivered], nutritious ["sweet potatoes" which have been browned sugared and marshmallowed to within an inch of their lives, but are technically still of vegetable origin], festively arranged [transferred from plastic containers to Chinet] meal in front of them.
The Girl: Did YOU cook this chicken?
Me: Don't worry, it's from Boston Market.
The Girl: [Picks up chunk of meat with fingers and licks it.] Origins confirmed, begins process of "eating", during which 2/3 of her meal winds up on the floor, smeared in her hair, or stuck to the wall.
The Boy: I hate Boston Market.
Me: I refuse to acknowledge that statement. You have to eat at least FOUR pieces of chicken before you get any cornbread.
The Boy: I don't like it.
Me: How can you not like chicken? It tastes like everything.
The Boy: Because it's a DEAD CHICKEN. A farmer shot it.
Me: I have no good answer to that.
For the next forty-five minutes, Manager Dad and I make "conversation" by way of threats and ultimatums interspersed with phrases like "sit on your butt, not your feet," and "if the reason you left the table THIS time was because you took a crap in the bathroom, wash your hands and use the Glade Air Freshener Spray."
By the end of the meal The Boy will have eaten 3.4 bites (if you count both kernels of corn individually), The Girl looks like the lone survivor of the historic Faber College food fight, and I have chest pains.
So in the interest of self preservation, I am going on strike from family dinners. Yes, I'm aware that it's been scientifically proven that if we don't eat together on a regular basis, Spawn will grow up and become crack whores. Or worse, Republicans. Either way, people are going to whisper behind my back at the next Rotary Club** meeting. But at least I'll still be alive to attend it.
*Having been present at their births, I am reasonably confident that Spawn are, in fact, my own biological offspring.
**I am not actually a member of the Rotary Club.
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
The Last Supper
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80 comments:
I often had the fantasy of putting a can of tuna and a can opener at each place setting for supper.
I never did it, but it may yet happen one of these days. Of course, now you can get tuna in the bag and I wouldn't even need the can openers, but I think they would lend a nice touch, don't you?
Please feel better and be okay.
We pretty much never eat together and I think the kids are turning out OK. Babycakes doesn't get home until pretty late so I slap some baby carrots and crackers in front of my kids, call it dinner and VOILA! No stress!!
God, I totally feel this way, too. I call it the Tyranny of Dinner. Let's go on strike together and go out to eat!
I just keep pictures of American Republicans and Canadian Conservatives to pass over to Guitar boy when he protests about food.
"Do you want to grow up like these people"? I ask as I push a mug of "Bush comes to shove" under his face.
Di9nner is gone before you can say Dubya.
This sounds JUST LIKE dinner at my house. Except there's also a lot of whining from the two kids who refuse to eat like normal human beings. But one of them can't stay in her seat TO SAVE HER LIFE. Seriously, if I said the next person to get up from her seat will be summarily executed, she wouldn't last 2 seconds.
Whereas my daughter, after learning about the life cycle of her dinner, said, "I don't know who killed this chicken, but it's good! Thank you, farmers!"
I think a "fend for yourself" dinner plan makes the most sense in that situation.
Ah, yes. Threats and ultimatums. It wouldn't be a family dinner without them.
I love this post. I think everyone has been in this situation and it totally sucks.
I made the grave mistake early on of fixing alternative options for my kids if they don't like my cooking and now it's the bane of my existence. Turns out, they don't like any of my cooking so I end up making at least 3 meals (and I use the word meal loosely- I really mean throwing something in the microwave) when I do cook.
Oh, I hear ya sister. I blog frequently on my loathing of dinner. It would make much more sense to me to have a big LUNCH when everyone (read: ME) is in a better mood.
I'm all for jumping on the dinner strike bandwagon with you.
I hate dinner time. There is not one food item all three kids and the husband will eat. I am a short order cook. So I stand in solidarity with you sister! I will strike too. You tell me which bar to meet you at while our families are eating dinner and I am there. First round's on me.
Well you may be no Rotarian anymore but there may still be whispers behind your back at your next Knights of Pythias meeting.
I say you turn them loose in the woods and let them forgage for dinner. Okay, maybe that's a bit harsh - but I feel your dining pain, and I don't even HAVE kids.
Could you make them sit at a kids table? In another room? Preferrably in Iceland?
THE FARMER SHOT IT.
OMG. Hilarious. If only.
Hi there M.M., I gave you a shout out on my blog for that most excellent Blue Q link. I'll have to spend some time looking it over.
Thanks!
Well, it looks like you got yourself a couple of good little debaters. I say channel it into law school.
I think it would be fine if you locked the kids in a room with the food and took some "me" time. That would still count as good parenting in my book!
Manager Mom, if we meet up for coffee or lunch or a walk, I promise you a shoulder massage! No stress!!!!
Suddenly, I am feeling very lucky. That doesn't happen often - believe me.
I luckily don't have to worry about the step-children liking my food. Part of the arrangement to looking after them while the ex works, is that she provides them with her home-cooked food. 9 times out of 10, it is her food that they don't like. Sometimes... like last night... they actually want to eat what I cook and ditch their mother's food.
The other thing that has helped the disaster that is usually called supper - is the picnic table on our balcony. Now that it is nice out, eating outside has turned into a bit of a treat. The picnic table is not conducive to standing up and jumping up and down on the chair nor can you really hang off the edge of the seat to see what the cats are doing. They actually have to sit at the table like they are human. And because they think that eating outside is a treat... they act like it is and behave themselves. I have even managed to make them believe that in order to eat outside... second mommy needs helping taking the stuff to the table. And voila! Help appears without a complaint.
Perhaps by the time winter rolls around, their good behaviour outside will translate into further good behaviour inside. One can only hope.
And really... I have to admit that the kids really are reasonably well-behaved so I can't complain too much.
Thanks Billie! I did try the "eating outside" but they even HATE THAT, because they don't like bugs.
LOL. See, I'm the really mean mom that doesn't say anything, but I'll leave their food on the table for 30 minutes. Then I throw it away. Then when they tell me they're hungry right before bed, I say "Oh, that's so sad. Your food's in the garbage if you want. Or you can wait until breakfast. Good Night!"
It only took 2 nights for them to figure it out...
For me, the 3 most dreaded words in my house are "What's for dinner?" Unless my answer is from one of the 3 major food groups (pizza/McDonalds/Subway) it's usually a battle. And god forbid a stray vegetable should touch something else on their plate ...
We do family dinners because it's supposed to keep our kids off drugs. Doesn't say anything about the parents ...
Is it still technically a family dinner if you eat it in the car?
Or if you put it out for the babysitter to feed them while you and your husband are hightailing it out the door?
If so, then I don't know what you're talking about. Dinners around here go off without a hitch.
Deb
sandiegomomma.com
This is SO our house at dinner time. Last night I told Bubba I was just going to stop cooking for him altogether and I would just give him crackers and water because he doesn't eat it anyway.
Hey, Hey, Hey, Republicans are not all bad (heck, there's barely a dime worth of difference between the two parties anyway). We just want to keep our hard earned money! Besides, going to Boston Market, you're just supporting the military/industrial complex. So you should be going to your farmers market and supporting the local economy! Take you son and let him ask the farmers how they really kill the chicken! That will open his eyes.
"...it taste like everything."
Ha! I love that.
Boston Market. It's what's for dinner. Tonight.
We seriously have to get you some Photoshop skills. I'm sending you Photoshop for MILFs for your birthday. : )
See I am guilty of screaming "I don't eat dead bird" at my mother on many different occasions over and over throughout my childhood.
Which is why I know I am doomed to have a similar child.
I should still refrain from being a mother, because my response to "The farmer shot it" (which is funny!) would be "no, that would be a waste of ammo and the farmer's time. It died when some machine ripped its head off. Now eat."
Sorry to laugh at your expense, almost. Similar situations have invaded my life, but it's much funnier when I'm not the one who has to deal with it. You have a great blog and style. Keep it up.
Have you been eating at our house? Dear gracious, exchange boy child for my youngest girl and we live the SAME LIFE! At least at dinner.
Not too long ago I made the ultimatum that we would no longer go out, or get take out (which leaves them with my pitiful cooking skills) until they could behave civilized at our own table. I'll let you know how that works for us! HA!
Growing up the three of us at breakfast and dinner together EVER night..and look how I turned out!!
Now..the only time we really eat together is in front of the TV..or at a resturant.
It's over rated.
For the psychological and sociological benefit of the kiddies, I would argue that family dinners are still important.
You do need however to have at least two hours each night of me time. That is time that no spouses or children may bother you.
Decompress and stay stress free by dropping things that do not bring you joy. That is something that we taught our cancer patients. Life is too precious and too short to do things you do not like!
Too funny.
On the bright side, the lack of family dinners will leave them with a (reasonably) sane mother. ;)
Too funny.
On the bright side, the lack of family dinners will leave them with a (reasonably) sane mother. ;)
I have no suggestion for getting them to eat. Nothing worked consistently with our group. Just wait until they are teenagers with jobs, then you can say 'well, go on out and buy your own'.
As for the farmer shooting them, here, have him watch Pammy's story of raising chickens:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2iIOmidHavo
(maybe you better not)
Like I tell my kids, "There's always PB&J"
Yeah, I hate family dinners too. You just can't please everyone.
Well, there's always "Cook your own supper." Unless they're too young - in which case, maybe you could run a tab at McDonald's.
I have no advice, but you did make me giggle.
Hilarious. I feel quite the same way. If only I didn't have this nagging voice telling me the kids would turn out to be republican crack whores, I might just skip dinner on a regular basis.
Congrats on 15 years not smoking, and thanks for the encouragement. I know sometimes it feels like life will never return to normal without them, but I can tell that it's slowly getting there. At least there are whole days -- three, sometimes, where I don't think about cigarettes at all.
My kids are not allowed to ask what's for dinner. I had to ban it like a curse word bc I would stand it any longer.
And they're not allowed to say anything bad about my cooking either. They can either eat or not eat, but please no commentary on the food!
Sounds like a logical solution to me. In order to eliminate stress from my life I'd have to live out my days in a sensory deprivation chamber. Sounds blissful IMO.
the main reason I drink is to get through the dinner hour. well, it's not the MAIN reason but that's what I'm gonna tell them at rehab.
today my daughter would only eat foods that are orange. She's only one and I've long since abandoned my dreams of family dinners with balanced organic meals and stimulating conversation.
I don't know who decided that family dinners were key to non-republicanism and lack of drug use. I *hated* family dinners when I was kid - they were mainly forums for the airing of grievances and refereeing between my parents and sister.
So we eat in the living room. But we watch Discovery, that counts for something, right?
hope you are feeling better soon!
Sounds like my house tonight. Well, ok, every night.
Builders should start making dining rooms with slanted, concrete floors that drain into a hole under the table...after the children have eaten 3.4 bites, we can simply hose them and the floor down. Of course only the food that made it's way everywhere but into their mouths is what goes down the drain, not the kids.
Thank you for coming by & supporting me through Huck's challenge! :)
My husband wishes he could go on strike from family dinners. Your meals sound so similar to ours, down to the sexes of the children and the bouncing out of chairs and not eating of chicken...that, obviously we are living in the same house.
Hmmm...did the doctor prescribe any meds to help you through situations like this...like a tonic or something...heavily laced with gin...?
I think we keep doing it because every once in a while we have a good time. Those memories sustain us through the nights of whining and bickering.
"How can you not like chicken? It tastes like everything."
I think that was quite possibly the funniest line I've ever heard. I'm going to start using it tomorrow :)
You know...you could do that. Go ahead, feed 'em and leave the room. They know how to shovel food stuffs from the table to their mouths. They don't need advice and counsel along the journey.
HAHA! Hilarious and I totally identify. I HATE DINNER at our house. Hate it. Hate. It'll get easier as they get older, right? OMG who am I kidding.
We have the PB rule. You don't like what we serve, make yourself a peanut butter sandwich and leave everyone else alone.
Although we eat out 90% of the time, we faces this problem too....cos' we are all sick of the food we have outside....
Erin, it doesn't get any better until they LEAVE HOME.
So I'm not the only one choking on my dinner every single freakin' night?! I didn't used to be, but now I'm all for "childless dinnertime". No matter how wonderful the cuisine, threats and corrections always seem to ruin the taste!
Take care of you!
Dumb old farmers. :)
Our name is legion. You could probably stick a hidden camera in people's dining rooms and find similar mealtime conversations taking place! I can't get over how this resembles a typical dinner time conversation in our house.
Not to worry about the Republican thing. My parents insisted on us eating meals together, yet I became a Democrat!
You could also tell them that Santa knows what they don't eat and will bring double of it unless they start eating.
Stay strong with family dinners! My parents gave up and to this day I refuse to eat at a table (unless I'm eating out) and I wont eat anything green (unless it is mold on day old pizza).
You are not alone.
My dinner table is equally ulcer-inducing.
And I became a Democrat because I was forced to sit through family dinners listening to my father waxing Republican.
It's easy with a 1 year old. You mean to tell me it gets more difficult?
Just think of the CASH if your kids became crack whores. Or Republicans, for that matter. Definitely swear off the family dinners, extend your life, and live high on the Republican hog counting their stacks of $100 bills for them. Awesome.
Doctor told me to eliminate some stress from my life and so I think I should just leave my kids. . and husband:)
I have avoided dinner time stress by NOT eating together. In fact, most times we are not eating at the same time or the same things. It's a "fix your own damn dinner" kind of deal at times.
Where do I sign up for this??
Doesn't it seem some days like crack whores would be better behaved than children?
Those are the kind of thoughts I think you are supposed to keep to yourself, but then if god really wanted you to, he wouldn't have invented blogs.
"What are we doing here?"
"Sitting"
"Why?"
"It's called a family dinner. SIT DOWN"
"WHATTTTT?!!!! NO FAIR!!!"
I know, I need to let it go... breathe....
The Farmer shot it? What farms has your kid been going to?
All the chickens we eat around here were drowning victims because they refused to wear their lifejackets in the fishing boat.
I Digg'd your story.
DO NOT LET THEM BECOME REPUBLICANS!! NOOOO!
I keep hearing ads on the radio about how families that eat together have kids that won't become crack heads and such. Not sure if that's the magic bullet from all of the worlds problems but family dinners are fun based on the chaos that ensues.
Those sweet potatoes sound delicious!!! And Boston market Chicken is quality.
Amen Sistah! Pass the Golden Grahams and Silk Milk!! They fortified cereal with vitamins for US, not the kids.
wow...thanks to one of your savvy commenters tonight I tried the "30 minutes and you're done" tactic on my poor, starving messmakers - put that in your pipe and smoke it you little hooligans!
Thanks for the idea, commenter! I felt smugly superior - and greatly enjoyed it.
Crackwhores I can live with. Republicans, on the other hand: GOD, NO!!!!!!!!!!!
and that is why I eat my dinner as far away as possible from the Damn Emos and the Tiny Terrorist.
Self preservation. Cause I just don't look good in jailbird orange.
I fixed that problem by telling my older kids that since I work they can fix dinner for all of us.
They're now the Beenie Weenie Casserole Champions of The World!
What startswithanx said! Your blog rocks!
my 'rents came to my place this weekend. my place has a great view of the downtown fireworks so they didn't want to pass it up. anyhow... this was our exchange,
mom: did you get enough to eat.
taawd: yup, it was all good.
mom: try the banana bread.
taawd: i'll try it a little later.
mom: want some watermelon, it's sweet!
taawd: no, i'm good, delicious meal mom.
mom: the banana bread is realllly good.
taawd: seriously!
Oh Manager Mom! The Matronly health woes (that cancer capped off not one but TWO autoimmune diseases) demand that she eat the good stuff, so there is cooking involved. And she hates it!
Eliminate things that stress me in life to be more healthy? Mmmmm? I don't think that there would be anything else. I also think that they frown upon people eliminating their children.
(this was comment was from Jen. I am under my husband's profile. It's a long story.)
Featured on Good Mom/Bad Mom on the Houston Chronicle. http://tinyurl.com/5p8q7b
The answer to the "Whatsfordinner?" cry at our house is, unfailingly, "Dirt stew." Even to their friends. You should see the looks I get.
Just found your blog through Ask and Ye Shall Receive.
This is hilarious, my kids (3 & 4yrs. old) also make dinner less fun than the turbulent hour prior to dinner.
Love your blog.
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