I have freely admitted that I suck at most of the things that wives and mothers are traditionally good at, like cooking, cleaning, laundry, and having emotions.
But the ONE domestic-ish thing that I USED be able to do was grow tomatoes.
Until this year, when EVERY SINGLE TOMATO got stolen right off of the plants. At first, I thought one of my neighbors was playing a joke on me. Then I thought Manager Dad getting even with me for something I've done to annoy him lately. And then I thought it was a raccoon.
So I tried chicken wire, scarecrows, the sprinkling of dog pee, hexes. Nothing worked. Every time a little green tomato would sprout, it would be plucked off of the branch by the next morning.
Now I realize it was you, squirrels. And today was the last straw. It's one thing to steal, another thing to taunt me with the remains of your theivery:
Game on, you little shits.
Oh. P.S. Happy Anniversary, Manager Dad.
No need to click - today's sadism is all above the fold.
70 comments:
Good luck keeping those suckers away. We have a similar problem right now under our apple tree, but our guys don't have such fluffy tails.
Careful Jen. They're smart little shits. If they could talk, they'd probably be invited to speak at Harvard too. Juss sayin'. And if you DO outsmart them, don't hurt 'em. Just banish them to another garden. : )
Absolutely hilarious picture of the squirrels.
I have the opposite problem with my tomatoes. They have been sitting, green, on the plant for 1.5 months. Seriously, how long does it take a tomato to turn red???
I'm thinking there's some Fried Green Tomatoes in my future.
I am still laughing at the tag "squirrel-maiming."
Manager Mom,
I will have you know that I will not stand for this. In an act of sollitude, I will hunt down every squirrel withing a 10 mile radius of my home. I will be stealth, like a Army Ranger, and I will eliminate each and every one of those tomato eating pieces of shit.
I will spread their remains on a slice of Wonder bread, and I will then take said sandwiches and feed the homeless with them. In return for my generosity, I will ask them homeless to then take up the cause! We will take a city map, and section off pockets of resistance, and we will go on the offensive.
Within 10 days, all squirrels living in the Spokane area will cease to exist. I will get a key to the city for my efforts in not only ridding the city of the vermin, but also for showing the homeless how to help feed themselves.
6 months after, the effects of not having the squirrels will be widespread and many. Prior to their elimination, we were not aware of any "nut" problem in the city. Now, since they have been gone so long, the city streets are covered in a thick blanket of nuts, acorns, and the like. The Gov. will declare a state of emergency. The homeless, once lively and fed, will be back on the streets, suffocating from numerous ailments including (but not limited to) nut allergies, goiters, and actual suffocation due to lack of air on the streets because of the nuts.
I will then be shunned from the city, the fallen child. I will make my way to your house, where I will hide in the backyard and eat your tomatos.
I HATE squirrels. And we have a whole army of them in our backyard because our neighbor puts out DRIED CORN to feed them.
I think you should do that squirrel picture with Sarah Palin's face where yours is and Barack Obama's on the bottom squirrels--it's too perfect and you've got mad skillz in this arena.
Oh yeah, Happy Anniversary!
My husband got out the gun the other day to shoot the squirrels eating all our pecans. They take one bite, then throw the nut down onto the tin roof of the shed making more noise than you can imagine. My yard is littered with useless unripe, bitten pecans.
When he first got the gun out I said, "No, honey! Don't shoot the squirrels! It would be senseless killing!"
And happy anniversary!
But about two days later I said, "Go get your gun and kill some of these damn squirrels." He hasn't yet, but I know the day is coming.
git ur gun an shoot 'em.
i agree with ms. moon.
It's red fox urine that is supposed to keep them away. Gasoline fires work equally as well.
You can get some at a feed store. Because red fox urine is the new pottery for 9th anniversaries. Should last you the rest of your marriage!
My cats favorite dinner is squirrel, so I do have tomatoes.
The squirrel is truly the most arrogant of Nature's predators.
After you get all of your squirrels, would you mind coming here and taking out my raccoons. And the skunks too? Everything stinks to high heaven around here.
You need to get a dog! Or borrow mine. She has a half dozen squirrels, a chipmunk, a bird, a family of mice, and a cat notched on her score sheet. A killer she is. (that is all that I am aware of, I'm sure she has killed her fair share of lizards and such too.)
Add the effing deer to that and I am with you.....
Squirrels.
Get yourself a good pellet Rifle and count coup on those mofo's. No one should be without fresh Tomatoes.
Hey, do what we did and move to the very top of a long-dormant volcano - I haven't seen a single bastard varmit in over a year. Never mind that rumbling noise, it will pass.
Happy Anniversary! Good luck showing the sqirrels who is boss!
everyone in stamford is having tomato issues, if it makes you feel any better. at least that's what i hear from every single old lady i know. seriously, it's a big topic of conversation among the blue hairs. don't ask me how i know this..happy anniversary!
everyone in stamford is having tomato issues, if it makes you feel any better. at least that's what i hear from every single old lady i know. seriously, it's a big topic of conversation among the blue hairs. don't ask me how i know this..happy anniversary!
those little varmints are why God invented BB guns.
Last year, rabbits ate all my peppers. I declared war. This year, the rabbits circle the perimeter of my yard, but they don't dare enter it.
Because I didn't plant any peppers this year, not so much that I'm a bad ass...
Oh those sinkin' pigs...I'd kill em'.
Happy anniversary - love the squirrel maiming, complete with photos!
my money is totally on you. the squirrels are dead.
That's the best you can do for Manager Dad today? Lust over the bus driver and write about tomato-eating squirrels? He is a saint. But a crappy golfer.
LOL @ Morton.
Don't you dare hurt those squirrels! They obviously couldn't get a nut.
Hey Manager Mom
Thanks for popping over..would send u over my little pooch but he would probably end up shagging the squirrels..Great pic and happy anniversary to u both.
I'm right there with you! In our old apartment we had a storage unit out on the balcony, and it had a half inch opening at the bottom for ventilation. Those little bastards would flatten themselves pancake thin to get into my storage unit. Wouldn't you know I didn't find out until Christmas when I went to get out our decorations and they were all covered in squirrel pee!
The squirrels entertained my kids for years as youngsters, trying to get into our bird feeders. In Dad vs. Squirrels, guess who always won?
Yup. I couldn't grow tomatos either. Hilarious shot about the squirrels.
They are evil little rodents! I have oak trees all around my house. Had squirrels in my bedroom walls once. The topsoil of my lawn is nothing but acorn shells. they dig in every potted plant I have (before the plants inevitably die of thirst by my own hand). Do you know in NJ you can't kill them, or leave them in traps? The exterminating company has to remove them alive from the traps, drive them 20 miles and release them (squirrels are very territorial and will find their way back). Damn squirrel huggers.
Anyhow, rumor is the lack of rain draws them to your tomatoes even more.
MM,
I can relate. I hate 4 healthy plants on my deck this year. One night all looking good, next day, nothing on the vine.
Though my culprits were Chip and Dale, or Alvin Theodore and Simon.
Forgot my new avatar!
You can't beat the squirrels. They're everywhere and are organized into little cadres. The only thing you can do is hope they find another target.
You are SO about to be-otch that bastard*!*
Totally unrelated (I hope)...
Happy Anniversary
**Morton...I salute you.
ROFL!!! I LOVE that squirrel photo! And it's nice to know another mom that hates to cook and clean as much as I do.
I was just reading a blog today where the mom said her hobby was cooking and she LOVES it (cooks several times a day). I so envied/hated her at that moment, lol.
OK - you have 2 inches on me and my volleyball credentials might be a tad less (one year on college team + coaching bitchy girl's middle school teams for a few years) but I bet I weigh more than you right now and if I get enough momentum behind the weight - I'll be after you like a steam locomotive crushing a penny on the track.
Let's go stalk Phil sometime, huh?
Hi, thanks for visiting my blog!
I'm loving your photoshop skills in the squirrel picture :-)
OK, was the squirrel thing a metaphor for your anniversary?
Or am I reading too much into that? :)
If you ever figure out how to outsmart those pesky (but sooo cute) tomato thieves let us know! Otherwise, I'll never be motivated to start my own tomato plants in a neighborhood where the squirrels outnumber the bugs.
Our cats are on a single-minded mission to eliminate all squirrel life from the property. However, that doesn't stop the damned raccoons from coming up and eating all of the cat food. And then washing their grubby paws in the cat's drinking water.
Before getting married I worked for a woman who LOVED squirrels. Seriously, they were like housepets for her. She would take in/care for the sick ones (even getting them medication from the vet)and mourn the roadkill.
On the other hand, me ... I find that they creep me out. At this point I would poison the tomatoes and roll out the red carpet.
Happy Anniversary, Darlin!
you have totally outdone yourself in the photoshopping dept. with the squirrel picture!! (i think i spit water on my screen on that one!!)
now get out there, kick some little squirrel butt and show no freakin' mercy!!
oh...and happy anniversary!
Maybe Manager Dad could bring you their wee little heads on a plate as an Anniversary gift.
Someone once told me that squirrels were reincarnated prisoners.....
I scare myself too. But not in a good way. In a scary way.
Bastards! And thanks for the visit.
Happy anniversary manager mom. I know how you feel about domestic inability. You mistake with the tomatoes was trying. I find failure far less when I do nothing:)
Happy anniversary!
How in whoever's name do you choose to try your hand at growing tomatoes? You're my favorite anti domestic goddess and you don't cook, clean, or do laundry, but you grow tomatoes?
PS: My dogs ate the tomatoes, and it's the only "growing" of anything I've ever tried too.
Dudette...you better hope they don't read this blog. Who KNOWS what they're capable of!
Btw, you look AWESOME in squirrel. You totally rock it.
Years ago I witnessed a squirrel scurry down a tree, steal a green tomato (out of husb garden) and scamper back up with the squirrel in his mouth. Husb thought I was hallucinating - "Squirrels don't eat tomatoes!"
So..thank you for proving to the blogosphere that I am now, nor was I, crazy.
You are not alone. We just bought some traps.
Oh no! How do you deal with squirrels?! I've only ever seen one once, in Flagstaff, when I was returning from a trip to Navajo Nation. I thought it was charming in the way that foreigners think foreign things are charming--you know, because we've never had to deal with them. Kind of the way you might feel if you stepped on the porch one morning and found a coconut crab munching away on your cat's kibble.
I grew up in the tropics, can you tell? ;)
You look sexy in that squirrel suit. Maybe you should wear that for your special occasion?
Me thinks there's a bit of squirrel in all of us. ;)
Happy Anniversary!
And I hope they get a belly ache from all the green tomatoes! Would serve 'em right.
At our house, it is the rabbits who eat everything. You think they are just being all cute and hopping around, but they are secretly planning our demise.
Haha, that's great. Sorry, but I feel for you ... we've had a heck of a time getting rid of the squirrels living in our attic. Alex kept placing peanut butter and rat poisoining sandwhiches up there, but all that happened was they got fatter. Eventually they died off after 2 rounds of bug foggers.
Good luck is all I'm saying ...
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Happy Anniversary!
Ours is the 10th.
Kick those squirrels in the nuts.
Arrrg! Those little buggers can be a pain in the ass. My Dad used to wage seasonal wars on them when they would snake his little green tomatoes out of his garden, then wait in the trees and drop them on his truck as he drove down the driveway.
Okay, so I admit, I found it amusing, and kind of rooted for the squirrels. :)
I feel your pain! The little bastards have done some damage around here too. Between them and the deer I may get a gun!
Timi
Happy Anniversary!
Damn squirrels!
I hate squirrels. Take away those bushy tails, and their cuteness completely evaporates: you're left with rat-faced vermin.
That sucks and is hilarious all at the same time!
You make a pretty hawt squirrel lady!
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