Day three of our vacation. Wish you were here?
It has been raining. Every. Single. Day. With no break in sight.
Being cooped up and forced to endure relentless family togetherness has sparked escalated levels of intra-Spawn violence, which, while irritating, at least gets them good and tired. So last night, exhaustion mixed with pathological boredom caused them to pass out early, opening up a rare opportunity for us to make progress towards meeting our recommended annual quota of marital orgasms.
But we needed to stall for a bit to make sure the early bedtime was going to stick. The house we're renting has a DVD player and a random assortment of movies, so I asked MD to pick one that might put us in the mood. But I guess I need to work on my communcation skills because he picked Escape From New York. While this may not be quite as erotic as my FAVORITE porn-ish film, I CAN say that a young Kurt Russell manhandling a massive penis substitute gun and sporting an oddly hot mullet and vintage 1980s fetishwear DEFINITELY gave me a few ideas in the fantasy role-playing area:
ROMANCE FORECAST: Partly aroused, with a 50% chance of intercourse
Things were looking promising when The Girl had a nightmare and woke up in hysterics. Two slices of toast and a chapter of “Diary of A Wimpy Kid” later, we finally got her settled down. But MD and I needed something to get us back on the road to freakin', so I put on a movie that I hadn't seen for twenty years, but that I remembered as being the SEXIEST MOVIE OF ALL TIME. And all I have to say is that nobody puts Baby in a corner and anyone with half of an ovary will know that I am talking, of course, about Dirty Dancing.
Unfortunately, watching this again WITHOUT the benefit of raging seventeen-year-old hormones, it is painfully evident that this movie completely blows. I was trying to delude myself into thinking that MD didn't notice when he turned toward me, gazed deeply into my eyes, and murmured throatily, “I don’t think I’ve evern in my life watched a bigger steaming pile of crap,” and I could actually SEE his testestosterone level dropping.
ROMANCE FORECAST: Mostly emasculated, with sub-zero temperatures.
But then we opened a bottle of wine, and had a few good laughs about our idiotic teenage years, and well, since my own favorite movies usually end on an ambiguous note (think Blade Runner or The Matrix), I'll just end this right now and let you invent the ending that you find most satisfying.
Overall Probability of Vacation Sex: Undisclosed
64 comments:
You could have him take the kids out for a walk in the rain while you bake and eat my cake alone!
How could you?!?! How could you talk bad about the best movie of ALL TIME???? My hubby and I LOVE this movie.(Yes I said hubby likes it) In fact we know all the lines from it. "You just put your pickle on everybodys plate college boy. And leave the hard stuff for me." Patrick Swayze was so freakin hott in that movie. *sigh* Well I hope you and the hubs got it on. LOL That will help everyone in the long run. Or at least thats what I tell myself. HAHA
Speaking of "Lover Boy...Oh, Lover Boy", I just saw Patrick Swayze in a movie from 2005 last night where he plays a bit of a horny and slimy perv. It was a light, funny, quirky, English film with Rowan Atkinson (not playing Mr. Bean), Kristen Scott Thomas, and Maggie Smith as well. I think it was called Keeping Mum. Funny dark humor. I'd never heard of it before, maybe it was one of those indies/foreign films that never got real popular.
I hope the "sun" starts shining soon!
Looking for a hot movie scene to get you in the mood? Try Witness with Harrison Ford and Kelly McGillis. Whew, I'm workin' up a sweat just thinking of it!
I am amazed by the fact that you've all not killed each other yet after being cooped up like that on a vacation, AND that you've not seen Dirty Dancing in 20years!
Also, eye patches? H.O.T.
Like I already said........(see last comment on previous post)
Love it. Vacation sex? Nearly impossible, when even the tryst at home requires Plot and Stealth and nobody in the parental bed (or listening at the family room door).
Um... Manager Dad's face on Patrick Swayze's body? Some of your best Photoshop work ever!
I completely enjoyed that post.
You crack me up.
I just saw Dirty Dancing again a few years ago - not quite as hot as I remembered it!
Oh bee-jeez-us I am laughing so dang hard. SO HARD! You are hysterical.
I have to say, my previous porn substitute movie, 9 1/2 Weeks, HAS held up all these years.
LMAO with this post! Hope my Cape vacation fares better ...
Hey MMM!
Glad you're *ahem!* taking advantage of the wet weather. ; )
RE: "...I CAN say that a young Kurt Russell...
Yeah, and for MD, I doubt that looking at a young Adrienne Barbeau's sublime breasts had any ill effect either.
If your van's a-rockin' we won't come-a knockin.' ; ) You kids have fun.
Once again, my oft-repeated request: please don't ever learn Photoshop. Ever. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Next time, just go directly to red wine and a funnel and you'll be all over that business.
9 and a half weeks was all sorts of sexy back in the day but i fear if i watched it again the present day Mickey Rourke may pop unbidden into my head.
(I think it's rained for the past 5days straight over the whole of North America)
I loved that movie too. back in the day, it got all my fresh new chargin' hormones right to work. I'm still trying to find the post-children combo, but thanks to your words to the wise, I won't be revisiting Dirty Dancing!
No one puts Baby in a vacay when it's rainin'.
Oh, just get on top. He WILL rise to the occasion, so to speak.
Is that per couple or each? That ain't good news.
Yikes TMI!
I was really looking forward to bringing my laptop to the blogger meetup to help you cut and paste a head a little better, but another comment hit it right on the head - I hope you never learn to do it, because your way is way better - its your ™ !
PS love the pimp masthead!
Marital orgasms quota. LMAO.
There's a quota? Dear God woman, please don't tell anyone else.
I love that this post turned into a porno Choose Your Own Adventure and I've got a great imagination ;-)
Unfortunately, wife's strep throat is keeping our vacation decidedly tame thus far... Here's to hoping! Great post!
Does the 200 orgasms have to be with the spouse to count, 'cause I'm kind of S.O.L. on that. Fuck. Can this day get any worse?
Did Patrick Swayze ever dance with Kurt Russel in a movie? I think Wesley Snipes was wearing a dress too.
Or is it just the anti-depressants?
I agree with Always Home about Roadhouse. That's the movie.
It's hilarious that Dr. Oz seems to think that having sex 200 times = 200 orgasms. Freaking hilarious.
I had no idea vacation sex was even possible or allowed. I'm ready to pack!
I have to say Top Gun with Kelly McGillis does it for me. Volleyball scene does wonders for the wife too. Here's to some sun.
Based on Dr. Oz, I think I just aged 6 years and can't even prove that I have a body.
I am all for having 200 orgasms in a year but I don't think he allowed for the exhaustion of working 56 hours a week at two different jobs and looking after little kids (this exhausts me even if it is only part-time). And I know that it is not all me because my honey has no problems with saying no either.
We are very behind and need to get cracking.
Dirty Dancing was a true favorite from my high school years. I think all women in their 30's/40's have probably seen it at least a dozen times.
Sorry to hear about the weather forecast- that blows.
I admire the fact that you attempt to 'get in the mood'. Babycakes and I are to the point where we say, 'so...you wanna do it?'
You must be in my neck of the woods with all that rain. I am builing an ark.
That sucks about the weather. And why do vacation rentals ALWAYS have Dirty Dancing in their movie libraries? I mean always. Usually in VHS.
You should have gone with Black Dog. Nothin' says "get your freak on" like a movie about long haul truckers.
p.s. thanx for stopping by my little place on the InterTubes.
Kurt Russell, at his best, really IS a speciMAN, isn't he though? I would tap that. Did I just say that? That was crass and manly of me.
As always, I am slayed by your photoshop skills. They are so sublime and I will never live up to them. I adore them.
Thanks for crushing on me, I am blushing over here and rubbing my toe in the sand... :)
MD with an eye patch ... hardcore!
You should have whipped up a quick batch of Benadryl Brownies.
Oh my! A quota for real? Here I am also on a family vacation and literally taking a vacay. I'll never reach the quota now!
Does that 200 quota include faked orgasms? Times when you almost make it?
vacation. sex. vacation. sex. vacation. sex.
i'm sorry i'm not familiar with these two words...
I tried the 200 O quota line on My Love. Unfortunately, she had already read your post and remembered a prior rant I made that any "doctor" appearing on Oprah was a probably a crackpot ... loser ... moron ... I forget exactly the term I used, but let's just say I'll fall short of my 3Q projections.
Isn't there an Arthur about the fun to be had on a rainy vacation?
Man, I am more pathetic than I thought...
Make up my own ending mmmmm....
I hope it was half as good as my ending.
My hubby and I have running game to see how many states/countries we can have sex in. So far its about 10 states and 5 countries. This number hasn't changed in a few years, we don't travel much any more.
I hope the sun comes out soon so you can ease off on the marital orgasm quotas until you're able to access something better mood-inducing materials!!
Thanks for popping over!
The weather with you looks pretty much like an English summer...Ghastly!
The Husband's birthday is today - and he wanted a picnic....hahaha, maybe indoors!
How do you keep record of meeting the quota? Do you have an excel sheet? Or would it be an exxxcel sheet? ;)
I'm lovin' your forecasts!
I had a two week summer vacation if Florida once that was practically ruined by torrential rain, every single day. On the upside(?) I pleasure (?) of seeing Time Bandits, many, many, many times in that 14 day vacation...
I'm feeling a connectedness with you right now. Hope the sun comes out soon!
To add a little glitter to your day, I have something sparkly waiting for you at my blog!!
I'm not gay, but I kind of have a man crush on MD with Swayze's body. Can he cut rug like Patrick too?
BTW, I think MD looks way too much like Bruce Willis.
But my darling man loves Dirty Dancing! And Sliding Doors. And Spanglish. Ok, so he's very sensitive.
For my money, try Don Juan De Marco (1995) with Johnny Depp - a quote from the DVD case "If you can't get laid after seeing this movie you just can't get laid". Can't beat that advertising.
Aww man!
Just for the record...we haven't met our annual quota of 'marital orgasms' in quite. a. while. Have also made a list of movie suggestions from comments!!
Hot movie? Try The Big Easy...with Dennis Quaid...whooLaw!!
Hope you survive the vacation!!!
But..just think...you are getting some really good blogging out of this!! (Bright side...always look at the bright side!!)
Blows?! What? How could you? Dirty Dancing is chock full of the finest, tacky movie quotes ever. My personal favorite..."I carried a watermelon". How could that NOT get you in the mood?
Yay! I'm a bloggy crush!
Mwah. Love you too babe!
Escape from NY rules and has stood the test of time. I could never make it through Dirty Dancing. Too painful and I choke on the estrogen.
The recommended amount of orgasms is 200 a year? I guess too much is never enough. Hope you and Manager dad had a good roll and exceed the quota.
Absolutely impossible for me to watch DD as my first wife loved the freakin thing so much, she taped it, caught it EVERY time it was on HBO, Showtime, Etc. To this day, if even a commercial for it shows up, I dive for the remote. Can't, won't, don't watch it. Did kinda feel bummed about PS having cancer though. Nobody needs to go out that way. Thanks for stopping by, hope to see ya again!
FMD
My bet is that you went for the gusto. Hope the thunder was GRRREAT!
the best movie of the year was indy jones and the chrystal heads
somehow that looks freakishly like my vacay last week. lucky you.
Featured on Good Mom/Bad Mom on the Houston Chronicle:
http://tinyurl.com/5ovhgd
Post a Comment