A few days ago, I took The Spawn to their six-month dental checkups.
Normally I’m very good with managing appointments, which by “managing,” I mean “scheduling them for a time when I can’t go.” (Just kidding, Manager Dad! That "work conflict" that prevented me from going to their annual physicals was totally coincidental!)
But I thought I could handle this one because the kids generally don't mind going to the dentist. There's no pain involved (yet) and she gives them free stuff like licensed-character toothbrushes and cheap plastic trinkets. For added insurance, I planned to keep their moods (and blood sugar) highly elevated by deploying chocolate Munchkins at the slightest sign of distress. (Despite the fact that rewarding kids with junk food is probably not the best strategy in front of their DENTIST.)
So I wasn't anticipating any major problems. Unfortunately, I failed to account for the fact that The Boy has turned into kind of a wuss.
It started with a few weeks ago with baths. If you happen to be in our neighborhood on bath nights, the sounds coming from our house might give you the impression that they're filming the latest installment of Friday the 13th in our bathtub. Then we had the strep tests; when the nurse unwrapped the throat swab he started howling so loudly you would have thought she'd produced a straight razor and a bottle of bourbon and told him to lay down for a frontier-style tonsil extraction.
The dental visit was going OK until we got to the flouride treatment, which is just a quick coating of leave-on gel. NOTHING like the flouride treatments I remember, which consisted of five minutes of sucking on a gigantic, foul-smelling tray of gunk, choking back vomit while staring at an egg timer to see how much longer the ordeal was going to last.
But for whatever reason, the sight of that flouride-laden Buzz Lightyear toothbrush (the EXACT SAME ONE that had so delighted him just ten minutes ago) sent him into full-on, Code Red, fight-or-flight mode. He clamped his jaw shut and threw out all of his best Randy Couture kung-fu moves. The only time he would open his mouth was to shout things like "OH HELL NO YOU BITCHES AIN'T PUTTING THAT SHIT ON MY TEETH!" (Except he didn't use the word "ain't," because he's pretty good at grammar.)
Twenty minutes of threats, bribery, attempts at reason, and groveling didn't work. So we had to resort to force. Which meant that it took me and TWO dental hygienists to hold him down while the dentist pried his mouth open.
We finished the appointment with both The Boy and myself reduced to tear-stained, sniveling, snotty messes, while The Girl cheerily picked out her plastic chokables from the prize chest.
And I'm thinking to myself, - Crikey. If he carries on this much for teeth brushing and throat swabbing, what would happen if he ever had to get a blood test?
I need to get The Boy to toughen up when it comes to doctor visits. Any ideas?
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
Little Shop Of Horrors
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
27 comments:
I had no idea flouride had progressed so much. I remember being SCARED to swallow it and risk being in trouble as it TRICKLED DOWN MY THROAT involuntarily. Gah. And we think OUR kids have the PTSD.
It seems like you were right on with the bourbon idea.
I had to hold my boy for a filling once so I'm feeling your pain. Just knock'em out I say!
The sprog has had MANY blood tests and I learned to bring a blow pop with me and give it to him BEFORE they started. When they would put the needle in, he would clamp down on that sucker instead of wailing and lo the entire waiting room was thankful.
Prior to that he actually cleared it out with his screaming. With two kids, it might help to let him see his sister go through it unscathed first and then have him go?
I second the bourbon idea, which really means, I have no idea either about what to do.
Have Manager Dad take him.
If I agree to marry you, the kids go into foster care, correct?
Eek. I always liked going to the dentist (before I understood once I got older that it was not always a sticker getting picnic). You are in for some fun if there is ever a cavity... Yikes!
Nice - I don't take my 7 year old for shots any more because she is freakishly strong and I haven't been able to restrain her since she was 3 - that's Dad duty now. She likes the dentist, though. So far.
I usually hang mine out the second-floor windows by their ankles and give them just a little shake. Not too much. Just enough to loosen up the bowels. After that, to them everything is a day at the ice cream palor.
My pediatrician had one disgusting toy that all the kids played with, sick and well.
I asked him about it one time, and he said it was "good for business".
I LOVE making Hubs do the appointments, too. LOVE it.
Dentist, barber, doctor, these people are synonymous with terror for my son. I take him to see all of them while he is taking a nap. No joke. I've even gotten the ped to come out to the car. Now, that is dedication.
Just settle the boy down with a couple of liters of Guinness. He will be soooooo calm. And he can come visit you, on visitors day and talk to you through the glass, on the phone.
Couture? Kung-fu?? oooowww, Randy would not be happy ...
i wanted to carry on like that last time I got a throat test... it was like the nurse was jabbing me with it, and while it's normally unpleasant, it's usually not that bad. my husband was there, too, and had the same thing. When the nurse left the room he said "I think she hates us. But the gagging noises you made were AWESOME!"
You know. I think when it comes to doctors--especially dentists, being a wuss is OK. I mean, HUGE grown men have a fear of the dude or dudette with the drill. DRILL!!!
My mom's "toughening" up of the two youngest kids for doctors visits resulted in the two of them "jumping" the doctor. Yup. Poor doc had plenty of scratches and bite marks that day.
I'm clueless! My boys love he dentist like he is some sort of gift spewing god, so I swear to you, they'd beg him to rip into their gums now and pluck their undeveloped wisdom teeth out now for the gift of a temporary tattoo of a jolly tooth brushing itself.
My kids are bizarre.
Back in my day, going to the dentist as a kid meant pawing through a giant drawer of candy upon completion of a check up. With that history, you'd think I'd dig the dentist more!
Manager Mom - Thanks for the visit. Yeah I remember those nasty fluoride things they stuck in your mouth. The had flavors but they all tasted the same.... very BAD.
Hopefully there are no bled tests in the future. Could get ugly but could also toughen him up. :-)
Oh my goodness...I fully enjoy your blog and I'm so happy I finally got a chance to swing by. I'll be placing it in my newly reno'd reader to keep up with - that is HUGE cuz I just went from 300 subscriptions to 12 now ;)
Ugh. One of my two year olds all of sudden grew a fear of the nail clippers. I don't even want to imagine the dentist fall out...
Just tagged you for a 'random things' meme ... hope you don't mind ...
Oh dear lord........wait about ten years when he needs his wisdom teeth extracted!
I was horrible at the doctor's office when I had to get shots. I would try to run from the room, and I remember one time I got free and ran up and down the halls of the office. I think my mom and a nurse or two usually had to hold me down. But now I am normal!
In other words, good luck.
Egad and I thought my Son was bad. Daughter takes it all like a champ. Fortunately, threats of being grounded for life, your children and your grandchildren likewise grounded for life, and, the occasional, "I brought you into this world, I can take you out...." generally forced my son into submission. He is a dentist-weeny. He admitted that the one-up-manship of his twin sister sometimes kept him somewhat in line. Good grief and good luck!
Bourbon and duct tape...
Works every time.
I will start by apologizing for the fit of laughter I enjoyed at the expense of you and The Boy. *snicker* Sorry.
For my son's 4 year appointment, he received 5 shots...which were administered to him in a double-team maneuver (multiple shots at the same time in both thighs). It took all my strength to hold him down. He screamed throughout the clinic...surely scaring everyone yet to have shots. How I will ever get him back to the doctor, I do not know. But I am thinking sedative may be the answer :)
When I was a child, it took two people to hold me down to get a flu shot. While this is no longer true, it's mostly because I don't go to the doctor unless there is no way to avoid it. In other words, I still have a huge neurotic phobia about doctors and dentists are hardly easier for me.
So- no advice from me except for the old bribe and distract ploy. I once promised one of my daughters a new pair of "black, shiny" shoes (patent leather) which she had been lusting after if she'd let the nurse give her a shot.
It worked.
But you know what? She doesn't ever go to the doctor either, now that she's an adult.
Hmmm.
Obviously, I'm useless in this situation.
Post a Comment