Before I birthed the littles, I used to read books. And then came love, marriage, and an InStep 300 Ultra Runner stroller, later upgraded to the two-child model after Manager Boy was born. Now, I read approximately one book every other year, and it usually has "Harry Potter" in the title.
I can, however, always find time for a magazine. I have about twenty magazine subscriptions. I am a conflicted magazineaholic. I love 'em because they're bite-sized chunks of portable, disposable fun that requires very little mental investment. I hate 'em because they are meaningless, repetetive, catty, and written for the sensibility of a 13 year old.
They waste paper, clog landfills, make me feel alternately inadequate/fat/uninteresting/incharitable/unstylish, and are about as intellectually satisfying as eating a bag of Cheetos. As such, they are the perfect brain candy to offset the boredom of riding the stationary bike.
So in the spirit of shallowness, here are the mags I read, despise, and then despise myself for reading them:
In Style - I think this is secretly funded by an association of B-list celebrities in order to have a vehicle for free, fawning publicity. NOBODY really belives that Formerly Washed Up Middle Age Actor Who Lucked Onto A Hot TV Show regularly serves chowder to the homeless, do they? Plus, I have it on good authority that they make up their letters to the editor. Think about it. What normal human being really has the time to write a letter about how much they love Drew Barrymore's eye shadow?
People - More of the above. It also has the added downside of too many inspirational stories of hope featuring regular people. If I really cared about regular people and their problems, I'd pay more attention to the random bitching of my coworkers, which I can now hear in abundance now that they have remodeled our office to be a 'collaborative workspace' (read, 'no privacy').
Cookie - Dedicated to the idea of celebrating your children as a lifestyle accesories. Filled with ridiculously overpriced clothing and labor-intensive, time consuming quote-unquote kid-friendly yet healthy' recipes which have doubtless tortured many a Greenwich nanny. I mean, $200 Baby Phat sweaters for a toddler?
Better Homes & Gardens, Ladies Home Journal - If YOU want to use a doily to stencil a festive spring pattern on your wall, cheers to you. I hate the cheesy, cheery, cabbage-rose chintz aesthetic of their projects. I especially hate their ridiculously deliciously looking, hugely fattening recipes that make me even hungrier as I'm dripping sweat on the elliptical trainer. I read these with the knowledge that I am a complete and utter failure in the domestic arts.
Lucky- A magazine about shopping. Can't we figure that out for ourselves without supplemental research aids? Do I even need to rant further?
Vanity Fair - Presumptious, elitist, pretentious, America-bashing. And the articles are WAY too long - editorial self-indulgence masquerading under the guise of intellectism. Does anyone find Dominick Dunne to be relevant anymore? Or even interesting? I do like Annie Leibowitz' photo spreads though.
More- My hatred of this is complicated. I actually find the magazine to be intelligent, interesting, relevant to me, and well written. Why do I hate it the? Because their target audience is a "mature" (read, late 40's) woman. In this case I don't hate the magazine, I hate having to admit to myself that I am aging into this demographic cohort. No offense to my mature women friends...but I'm still only 37.
Time - the exact same news stories as Newsweek and US News & World Report. But they charge double the subscription price because they consider themselves a "brand name".
Runner's World, Health, and Self- I read, absorb, and then soundly ignore all of the fitness, nutrition, and training advice that I pretend to care so much about.
What do I actually LIKE reading? Mostly newspapers - the Wall Street Journal, our city Advocate for local news, the crossword in the USA today. For periodicals, there is only one magazine that I wholeheartedly love, and that is US Weekly.
They seem to write the magazine embracing the principle that they are not trying to stand for anything other than complete, unabashed fame-whoring. They seem to have just enough clout that they have access to actual celebrities to get the inside dirt. And I have a sneaking suspicion that they put this magazine together every week with tongue firmly in cheek. In Touch, Life & Style, OK, Star, and the rest are just left behind in their sparkly, celebrity-laden dust.
Ahhh... my new issue came. I can't wait to get back on the stationary bike.
I can, however, always find time for a magazine. I have about twenty magazine subscriptions. I am a conflicted magazineaholic. I love 'em because they're bite-sized chunks of portable, disposable fun that requires very little mental investment. I hate 'em because they are meaningless, repetetive, catty, and written for the sensibility of a 13 year old.
They waste paper, clog landfills, make me feel alternately inadequate/fat/uninteresting/incharitable/unstylish, and are about as intellectually satisfying as eating a bag of Cheetos. As such, they are the perfect brain candy to offset the boredom of riding the stationary bike.
So in the spirit of shallowness, here are the mags I read, despise, and then despise myself for reading them:
In Style - I think this is secretly funded by an association of B-list celebrities in order to have a vehicle for free, fawning publicity. NOBODY really belives that Formerly Washed Up Middle Age Actor Who Lucked Onto A Hot TV Show regularly serves chowder to the homeless, do they? Plus, I have it on good authority that they make up their letters to the editor. Think about it. What normal human being really has the time to write a letter about how much they love Drew Barrymore's eye shadow?
People - More of the above. It also has the added downside of too many inspirational stories of hope featuring regular people. If I really cared about regular people and their problems, I'd pay more attention to the random bitching of my coworkers, which I can now hear in abundance now that they have remodeled our office to be a 'collaborative workspace' (read, 'no privacy').
Cookie - Dedicated to the idea of celebrating your children as a lifestyle accesories. Filled with ridiculously overpriced clothing and labor-intensive, time consuming quote-unquote kid-friendly yet healthy' recipes which have doubtless tortured many a Greenwich nanny. I mean, $200 Baby Phat sweaters for a toddler?
Better Homes & Gardens, Ladies Home Journal - If YOU want to use a doily to stencil a festive spring pattern on your wall, cheers to you. I hate the cheesy, cheery, cabbage-rose chintz aesthetic of their projects. I especially hate their ridiculously deliciously looking, hugely fattening recipes that make me even hungrier as I'm dripping sweat on the elliptical trainer. I read these with the knowledge that I am a complete and utter failure in the domestic arts.
Lucky- A magazine about shopping. Can't we figure that out for ourselves without supplemental research aids? Do I even need to rant further?
Vanity Fair - Presumptious, elitist, pretentious, America-bashing. And the articles are WAY too long - editorial self-indulgence masquerading under the guise of intellectism. Does anyone find Dominick Dunne to be relevant anymore? Or even interesting? I do like Annie Leibowitz' photo spreads though.
More- My hatred of this is complicated. I actually find the magazine to be intelligent, interesting, relevant to me, and well written. Why do I hate it the? Because their target audience is a "mature" (read, late 40's) woman. In this case I don't hate the magazine, I hate having to admit to myself that I am aging into this demographic cohort. No offense to my mature women friends...but I'm still only 37.
Time - the exact same news stories as Newsweek and US News & World Report. But they charge double the subscription price because they consider themselves a "brand name".
Runner's World, Health, and Self- I read, absorb, and then soundly ignore all of the fitness, nutrition, and training advice that I pretend to care so much about.
What do I actually LIKE reading? Mostly newspapers - the Wall Street Journal, our city Advocate for local news, the crossword in the USA today. For periodicals, there is only one magazine that I wholeheartedly love, and that is US Weekly.
They seem to write the magazine embracing the principle that they are not trying to stand for anything other than complete, unabashed fame-whoring. They seem to have just enough clout that they have access to actual celebrities to get the inside dirt. And I have a sneaking suspicion that they put this magazine together every week with tongue firmly in cheek. In Touch, Life & Style, OK, Star, and the rest are just left behind in their sparkly, celebrity-laden dust.
Ahhh... my new issue came. I can't wait to get back on the stationary bike.
1 comment:
Your last sentence completely captures why it's ok to subscribe to magazines... to give us a reason to exercise.
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